First published in: The Wilde Life // Nov 18, 2021 // 4 min read
“Keep your son away from my son or they’ll be consequences for you!!”
“My husband is teaching my son to beat up your son if he comes near him again!”
“He needs to be in a special school – he’s obviously not intelligent enough to keep his hands to himself”
“I don’t care if he’s got a disability, that’s your problem, not mine!”
“Your son looks for my son and strangles him every day, and it’s been going on all year and nothings been done!”
“My nephew has ADHD so I know all about what it’s like and you need to discipline your son!”
“Why aren’t you doing anything?…I don’t care what intervention he’s getting!”
These are just a few of the more memorable quotes from a confrontation I had today at school pick-up with a woman I’ll call KC who has never once spoken to me, despite our children being in the same class for the past 10 months, and despite her claim that there’s been issues all year.
My son has just turned 7. He is autistic, has ADHD and is highly anxious. He’s also caring and generous, extremely smart, curious, and very social. Yes, he can get aggressive when he is escalated. Last year he was suspended 8 times and I was at the school almost every day. This year he has been incredibly well supported and I am more proud of his progress than I can put into words. Aggressive outbursts are now rare, and he manages his emotions with a huge amount of maturity the majority of the time.
Two days ago he became escalated and hit KC’s child in the head – an action my son was suspended for. I suspect my son’s outburst may have something to do with stress and anxiety he was feeling because my mother – his grandmother – passed away only a few days before.
As far as I am aware (and believe me, the school informs me of every incident and who was involved!) my son has not had any other issue with her son before now.
When KC approached me, I tried simply explaining that this wasn’t a good time and that we could talk another time. However she jumped straight to “they’ll be consequences – between me and you!” (which I think is reasonable to take as a threat). So I attempted to explain that my son’s behaviour is often unintentional and a result of his disabilities. Unfortunately this resulted in the above quotes (among others) and the illogical circular argument (as pointed out by the almost 10 year old autistic daughter who witnessed this) of KC shouting “what are you going to do about it?!!”, and then refusing to listen when I tried to explain everything we have been doing to support him because, “that’s not my problem!”.
The fact that KC is concerned about her child’s safety is understandable. The fact that she chose to aggressively confront me in front of my children and point-blank refused to engage in any discussion beyond “Keep you child away – or else”, is inexcusable. Unfortunately, it’s also fairly typical of the judgement and abuse that parents of children/children with invisible disabilities and externalising behaviour receive on a regular basis. Somehow (given my already emotional vulnerability from dealing with mum’s death), I managed to remain calm enough not to break down completely – at least not until the deputy had kindly taken me into the office and given me tissues and sympathy.
I’d like to think that if KC had approached me with an open mind to discuss the issue she may have been more empathetic to the situation, but I doubt it. I can (mostly) handle the abuse and the assumption that I’m a bad parent. But the idea that the perception that my son is a bully/violent is no doubt circulating around the school community is utterly heartbreaking. I know he is kind, gentle and caring, and that he feels things deeply. It is this depth of emotion that gets him into trouble. He loves other kids. The “strangling” KC described is his way of initiating play – his is approaching her son and hugging him – unfortunately around the neck, (and yes, we are working on that!). He desperately wants to have friends and play-dates. He wants to be invited to parties and to have birthday parties (I’m too scared to have one in case no one shows up).
The fact that my son is highly verbal masks the very real social-communication difficulties he has. His actions are misinterpreted as malicious “attacks” (and my explanations of these behaviours are dismissed as “excuses”) rather than attempts to engage with other children – despite the fact they are often exactly the same actions typical 7 year old boys engage in when interacting with each other, and the way others interact with him.
The progress my son has made in the past two years is immense, and we have supported him every step of the way. The idea that we are not doing enough is devastating and frustratingly unfair. Not a single person in the school community has any idea how much support we have given to my son or what goes on behind the scenes. They know nothing about our family or what we go through.
The lack of understanding, care and empathy cuts particularly deep when you consider the fact that - apparently - empathy is something neurotypicals are supposed to be good at…But I haven’t seen a single shred of evidence of 'empathy' when it comes to people’s understanding of autism or ADHD…
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